I feel sorry for the kids who’s mom’s I see on Facebook complain about how ‘different’ i.e. sad, frustrating, boring their life became once they became a mom. “No private time, no social life, no free time, no me time, etc..” I assume they’re venting, but what will your kids think when they go back and see what they said about them?
So a funny thing happened on the way to the forum… Ok, well, not quite but I like that line. I’m on cd 22 today, and where I’d normally be testing to see if I’m pregnant, for some reason, I was tempted to take an ovulation predictor strip yesterday and it came out super positive?! I had taken some earlier in the month, and nothing, so I was amazed it was so dark yesterday. I took another one today just to see, and again, super dark and positive. I took a pregnancy test which looked negative but it was a dollar store test, and so based on a 28 day cycle, its still way too early to test… I had always been regular like clockwork, but I wonder if my cycles have changed after the hormone changes of the miscarriages? I guess its entirely possible!
According to Pink Pad, I’m on cd 19, and have 13 days until my period is due. I don’t know what else to do except vent on my little micro blog. ha.
I’m so tempted to go buy some pregnancy tests. Maybe I will buy 13 just for some peace of mind. I like taking them, what can I say. Usually if I don’t get a positive by the day my period is due, I know I am pretty much out for the month, because the last 2 times, I got early positives like a week before AF was due. It does make it a long wait, since that still means the earliest I will get a positive is like a week from now.
For some reason, Pink Pad has me on a 31 day cycle, but I really don’t think my cycle is 31 days. I think its just that my body is trying to re-regulate itself after the d&c in December. So it thinks I ovulated yesterday, but I don’t think I did.
Anywho- Another couple weeks of the waiting game.
Its hard for me to write this post without coming off as bitter or less than happy for my pregnant friends. I am super happy for all my friends that are pregnant and expecting their little babies but I am so sad for myself. So sad that sometimes I worry and wonder if the sadness will ever go away even after we do have a healthy baby (I assume it will).
The reason I would even write that going to baby showers is tough is because I know I am not alone in this. As someone who’s had 2 miscarriages and currently ttc, I feel a particular kind of longing with each pregnancy announcement. I calculate how far along I would be at a particular stage, from our first pregnancy, I would be giving birth this week. From our second, I’d be showing. Instead, I’m in the longest two week wait of my life.
In one line, I can sum it up by saying I am thrilled for my friends and sad for myself. No one should have to feel that way, but we do and I know only God can get me through those hurt feelings, because there are no human answers.
So today I am feeling so confused. I don’t know if I feel weird, or if I am making up symptoms. My first pregnancy symptom has always been heartburn. And its either that, or I had too much coffee or pizza today, I don’t know which. Plus, I texted Mike that I was listening to Pandora, to 2cellos song With or Without You (U2 cover) and I started crying! Like boohoo crying. Seriously. So, I am not going to make a big deal about it. Anything makes me cry these days. But I am definitely feeling weird.
I know its been like a month since I blogged. I guess if you’re not pregnant its just no fun hanging around a blog with a bunch of pregnant ladies, and I didn’t want to be the party pooper, you know, the one everyone feels bad for.
I didn’t post an update, but we got the results from the genetic testing on the last pregnancy. The baby tested for the chromosomal abnormality trisomy 16, so there was next to no chance of any type of development or survival. I’m glad in that case that development stopped where it did.
The worst part of miscarrying is waiting for your cycle to get back on track. So, I’ve become that crazy person taking her basal body temp and peeing on ovulation testers. Its not necessarily to try and get pregnant again, but more so to know when (more or less) I am ovulating so we have a better idea when I do want to try again.
I have all the ‘crazy ttc lady’ props. Spiral notebook, scotch tape, thermometer on the nightstand, etc… But I swear, I am not crazy or ttc. LOL. I bought on amazon this great little kit of 100 ovulation strips and like 20 hcg pregnancy strips, which is awesome for like 17 bucks. I know its the cheap stuff, but its awesome for worry warts like me.
If you’re looking for a good deal, here it is:
Not much going on these days, except trying to get the apartment organized. I am a little depressed on and off, but more off these last few days, which feels like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
I got really emotional at midnight on new years… Like an “I gotta get outta here” emotional, but I didn’t get out. Mike’s grandma cried too, so I don’t feel so alone. I can only imagine what she was emotional about.
I told Mike I maybe want to try to get pregnant one more time, and would he be ok with that. He said yes, so I guess we’ll see what next year brings.
So, the year is almost over… I am realizing I’ve essentially been pregnant since July (the last 6 months), and the thought of no baby around is pretty depressing. We spent the holidays surrounded by family and joy and love, so I really can’t complain.
So, I’ve had 24 hours to process it all. Yesterday I had the D&C, and thank God, everything went fine. I was home by about 2pm, and napped much of the rest of the evening. Today I’ve chilled out mostly, and worked out some Christmas gifts for my parents, and grandparents, and one small one for my in laws.
I’ve come to realize miscarriages are sort of like cancer. You don’t know what causes it, no way to really ‘cure’ or prevent it. People really don’t know what to say to you once they find out you’ve had one, and its sort of surprising when you find out how many people have been touched by them. I am still surprised when I think I’ve had 2 in a row. Its just like, who would’ve thought it’d be me that everyone felt sorry for?
I just think of all the things I’ve planned that might not happen now, and it just makes me want to cry.